


Of Love

by Mere



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:45:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mere/pseuds/Mere
Summary: Magnus and his ever evolving love for Alexander.





	Of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was _supposed_ to be for this prompt: 
> 
> "How about for the Malec Prompts: a continuation of that 1x13 scene where Magnus asks Alec if he regrets the kiss and Alec reassures him that he doesn't in his own, cute way? I feel like they should have included that somewhere in the episode <3" 
> 
> Yeah. It didn't end there. It developed its own mind and now sits at 2,000 words. It's a _beast_. 
> 
> Your comments and kudos are my life's blood here! 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at [merelore](http://www.merelore.tumblr.com) where you can send me prompts or talk to me there!

The institute was a busy hive, and it took them several tries to find a semi-private place that they could talk in. And they did have a lot to talk about. So much had happened in the last few hours, they’d barely had any time to digest it, and Magnus knew when what happened with Jace really sunk it, Alexander was going to be consumed by his desire to find his parabatai. Making sure the hallway was clear of any potential eavesdroppers, Magnus leaned against the wall, his arms folded across his chest. Alexander leaned on the wall across from him. He could feel Alexander’s eyes on him and he looked up again. He needed to know, to know he hadn’t caused Alexander to do something he regretted.  
  
“Do you regret it?” Magnus asked.  
  
Alexander’s brow furrowed as he contemplated the sentence, as he tried to figure out what Magnus was talking about. Magnus realized that perhaps, the first question may have seemed like a trick to Alexander, and when it became more obvious Alexander was still trying to figure out what Magnus was talking about, Magnus clarified.  
  
“The kiss, do you regret it?”  
  
Alexander’s confusion cleared and he stood a little straighter. Magnus watched him, when confronting an emotional situation, Alexander always acted like he was gearing up for battle. The wide spread stance, the arms clasped behind his back. Magnus found it slightly endearing. He supposed some people might find it offensive — or overly defensive — but Magnus knew it was Alexander trying to do his best, and Magnus appreciated that. He appreciated the fact that Alexander was actively trying to make things work for them. A complete turnaround from his stay away vibe not too long ago. Magnus watched the fall and rise of Alexander’s chest, as he made to speak.  
  
Alexander’s face creased again, and he asked back, “Do you think I regret it?”  
  
“Alexander, you took a huge risk. You went against everything you said we shouldn’t be — couldn’t be.”  
  
“I know, I know, but Magnus, you were right. We do have something, and I do want to find out more, where it could take us. No. No, I don’t regret the kiss Magnus.”  
  
Magnus smiled a bit, then his face turned serious. “I know you don’t want to hear it, so I’ll just say it once…”

——

Magnus was relieved that Alexander didn’t regret it, he’d worried, but no, Alexander had made what he wanted abundantly clear. There was something between them, and they’d now both acknowledged the spark. But even then, even now, as Magnus watched Alexander pace in the institute as he talked rapidly to the other Shadowhunters, Magnus could tell Alexander was shuffling it to the back burner, putting Jace forefront. And Magnus understood. He knew Jace was Alexander’s parabatai. He knew what that bond meant, and because he cared for Alexander he’d help him find the lost parabatai. He could feel Alexander’s agitation rising as he took the sweatshirt from him in an attempt to try tracking, but even as his magic washed over it, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Something was very, very, wrong. And he couldn’t help Alexander at all.  
  
And it hurt when Alec lashed out at him, his anger strong, and now he wondered was Alec just too fragile, still hurting for this to work? Would they even be able to make it work? It was apparent that some part of Alec still struggled with who he was.

——

Magnus was using his workout to release his anger. The irritation and sadness would swamp him for a moment before he refocused his attention. He lived and breathed the magic, and when Alexander came in, he wasn’t even sure he felt like talking. He listened to Alexander’s apology and decided that perhaps, he had pushed. That Alexander still needed time. That he did too. That this was as new for him as it was for Alexander. This would be a partnership, and as such, they would have to work on it together.  
  
He adjusted Alexander’s collar, and they stood on the balcony for several long moments. Magnus could tell Alexander was already getting restless, once more thinking about Jace. Magnus felt for him, and he knew, that once more, he’d do as Alexander had asked of him, because it was him.

——

Magnus had to admit that he wasn’t as surprised as he should have been when he found Alexander on his balcony. He was rubbing his hand, and Magnus understood that Alexander was still hurting over what had happened, and it became ever clearer he didn’t really want to talk about it. That this was just something he desired to deal with on his own. Magnus too felt the ache and weight of what he’d had to do with Camille. It hadn’t been easy, but it had been necessary. Her words had pricked at him though. It was worth trying to make this relationship with Alexander work. Magnus thought it would be more than worth it.

——

Once more, Magnus had wondered all the way home if he had pushed Alexander too hard again — too much, too fast with his past relationships. But Magnus knew how much honesty played into relationships, and he hadn’t wanted to blindside Alexander with that information. Yet, he still had somehow managed to. Not even his “damage control” had seemed to help the situation. Magnus was at a loss about what to do. He wasn’t keen on pushing Alexander, he wanted Alexander to come to him, he knew what he wanted, he thought he’d been clear enough, but he still wasn’t sure what Alexander wanted. It had been a long time since Magnus had felt those mixed up feelings.  
  
And then, Alexander surprised him. The kiss, much anticipated since their first, surprised him beyond all means. Their first kiss had had a desperate edge to it, this one was just as warm, but lacked the desperate edge. It was as if Alexander was trying to convey something to him. Magnus felt it all the way inside him, and he felt himself grinning a little bit.  
  
Well. Relationships did take effort, and this one certainly seemed worth trying to hang onto.

——

“They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful,” the words still resonated in Magnus’s mind.  
  
Even as he sat on the edge of the bed, his hand wrapped around Alexander’s wrist, he wondered what he had done to deserve this man. Alexander was smiling at him, and Magnus could feel the warmth — and happiness — radiating between the two of them. He’d been afraid, terribly afraid, this would be something Alexander would regret. That once Alexander saw what lay beneath the surface, he would abandon him. But once more Alexander had taken his breath away, had shown him that Magnus should put his trust in this man, that he should hold on with both hands and never let go. Alexander was worth fighting for. Magnus leaned in to kiss him, and it was electric.

——

“…I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
Magnus’s skin thrilled even as his arms wrapped around Alexander. He’d been attracted, yes, had though maybe we can have more. But this? This was more than he could have ever hoped for. This is why they’d struggled together, why they’d tried. For this moment of total clarity between the two of them. Admitting that what they wanted most, that who they wanted, was the other other person. He felt Alexander’s forehead pressing against his shoulder, his body shaking in relief. Magnus was not quite ready to let go when they pulled back from their embrace. Magnus for a moment thought perhaps this was going to turn into the biggest mistake of his life, that falling in love with a Shadowhunter could very well bring him to ruin. This was Alexander, and Alexander was very good at trying to do his best. Trying to make the most out of any given situation.

——

This wasn’t the first time Alexander had hurt him. Magnus didn’t have any illusions about it being the last either. Even as Alexander declared his love for him, even as Magnus, once more, forgave him, he knew Alexander was trying. He really was. And the apology was clearly heartfelt. The kiss was nice too, a soothing balm to a wounded heart. He could see that Alexander was still angry at himself, but Magnus was still hurting a bit too. The sting would ease for both eventually. Once more, Magnus was reminded of why he and Alexander were trying to make this work. They cared. In the meantime, they could try and make the most of the moment. The air was brisk here on the balcony, and there was no one to interrupt them this time. They could have this moment for themselves.

——

He couldn’t explain why he hadn’t wanted Alexander to know — he should have known better. Alexander loved him for who he was, there was nothing about him that Alexander had held against him. Nothing that he could think of at least. He felt Alexander’s hand on his cheek, then fingers wiping away the tears he’d cried. Alexander’s hands were gentle as they moved to cradle his face. Eye to eye there was an intensity in Alexander’s eyes that Magnus was drawn to.  
  
“I love you,” Magnus told him. “Thank you.”  
  
Alexander’s smile was always lovely to see, and Magnus felt his emotions twisting from sadness to love and back again. Alexander stood, offering his hand and Magnus took it, hoping that this man would continue to extend his hand and love like this.

——

The fury for a brief minute was overwritten by the concern for Max, but it lay there, sulking beneath the surface. He’d never thought it would be Alexander to do this — to break the trust they’d built up.  
  
To deceive him so utterly. He was alternating between fury and despair when Alec had asked for his help. He’d given it because he liked Max. But the waiting…it gave him time to think. More time than he could have ever wanted or needed. And when Alec followed him out of the room, it felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest.  
  
“You and I…we always seem to find our way back to each other.”  
  
And as true as that was, and as true as it had been, he had to make the most unbelievably hard choice in his long life. He thought he’d finally found love, an enduring love, and here, once again, it was ending in misery.  
  
When he stepped away, he felt his heart crack and break. He resolved to harden his heart once more. He couldn’t afford to let anyone past his defenses again, he couldn’t endanger his people for love. He couldn’t have both.  
  
No, his heart didn’t break, it shattered.  
  
And there was nothing he could do to put it back together again.

——

Magnus downed the remainder of his drink. They’d both done some truly terrible things, and all they could do now was swallow the guild and hurt and sorrow and talk. That was what Alexander wanted, and Magnus didn’t know what was going to happen. He was feeling rather vulnerable at the moment, and he folded his arms across his chest as he went out to meet Alexander. It was…there were no words. Magnus could not express how he felt in that moment and as Alexander spoke, Magnus felt the spark of hope unfurling in him, and he tried to tamp it down.  
  
“I don’t think I can live without you,” Alexander told him. And Magnus knew it was over with those words. Alexander clearly still loved him as much as Magnus loved him. It was in that moment, Magnus truly understood what the true meaning behind “relationships take effort” meant.  
  
When Magnus kissed him, he finally felt relief. It felt like his shattered heart was slowly being pieced back together again. It didn’t feel so much like a black hole, an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. It tasted of promise, of hope. Of love. Of the future.


End file.
